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To only the best men out there,

I’m a down to earth kinda woman, who likes nothing more than baking with the right man, and socialising with my good mate, Johnny Depp, who admires my kind qualities.

The first thing people usually notice about me is my considerate personality, closly followed by my smashing fingers. I can be a jerk when I don’t know people well – with body parts like my fingers and my toenails, I can afford to be.

I work as a teacher, helping patients. This allows me to exercise my skills: wielding weapons and planting trees. One day, I was just about to stop work when Johnny Depp appeared from nowhere and congratulated me on a job well done. “Mad4It, that was a job well done.” That’s the kind of thing people say to me on a daily basis. Of course, now, Johnny Depp and me are best friends, and the praise runs like water. A lesser woman would get a big head.

If you’re the right man for me, you’ll be thoughtful and optimistic. You won’t be afraid to have a good time and will have a healthy respect for monogamy.

My ideal date would involve socialising in Cornwall with a brunette man by my side. While we’re there, I evaluate your wobbly fingers, checking that you’re up to my understandably high standards.

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Date: August 19, 2019

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